Colin and the Rat (Oversized Mouse)
Colin has gone to America
There's a rat in the roof of my house
Colin is out of Australia
And I've got this oversized mouse.
Colin's extended horizon
Reveals tiny miles far below
While the width of this rat blocks my vision
(I hope like all fuck it don't grow.)
For Col, there's the ultimate fancy
Of shaving cream clouds far beneath
While for me there's the worry of whether or not
The bastard has nasty sharp teeth.
Or whether one night I will wake with a jolt
To the sound of this hideous bulk
Which might run at my face
In a mad rat-sac rage
The ultimate vermin- Rat Hulk!
While Colin descends top mysterious lands
Where rock bands get laid and snort coke
I'm off, down the shops to get rat-traps and cheese
(Until I remember I'm broke).
So Colin is going to parties
And living it up like a prince
Whilst I, having looked in the cupboard
Discover rat faeces and prints.
While Colin's controlling the world's biggest band
I'm inside controlling my fear
On the floorboards the scuttle
Of rats' feet on rubble
Tells me that baby rats are here.
When Colin returns to Australia's shores
To this land where we grew side by side
I'll be bashing small rodents with heavy blunt objects
Whilst kicking cockroaches aside.
Now Colin's returned from America
I've enough rats for several houses
He's lookin' 'real fine'
While I'm worried and lined
For a plague has come down on my house, yes
He's looking' 'real good'
And I'm wishing I could
Get rid of these oversized mouses.
I forgot to mention that Colin has got a broken jaw.
He'll be wired up for another few weeks and even then
He won't be able to eat solids for quite a while.
Several weeks perhaps.